A humbled HEART

I have been looking forward to posting on this day for quite a few weeks now, but today my heart is saddened by the content this post holds. It was SUPPOSE to be a joyous topic but has turned sour and it is all that I can do to think positively and not dwell on my sorrow. very few of you knew that we were going to welcome baby #2 into our home may 2009. This post was meant for that good news, it was meant for a means to share our excitement about being parents to another child and for CC to be a big sister. I was waiting for today to post because today was my appointment with the DR. Today was my day to hear the heart beat and finalize the due date. I did indeed go to the DR. today but the outcome was not what I intended it to be. After a nurse and the DR. could not find the heart beat, I was taken to another room for an ultrasound. After not finding the heartbeat with the abdominal U.S. the last hope was used by and internal U.S. the ultrasound tech didn't even need to say a word I knew what I was seeing and what I was NOT hearing. He asked if I wanted a picture, I declined. My heart broke in that moment that I knew my baby #2 was gone..how long had he (I had many dreams it was a boy, In my heart he was my little guy) been gone, I don't know? His little body was there but spirit gone. I always thought that if something like this happened to me I would be fine and it wouldn't be very hard. I was proved ever so wrong about the feelings I would feel. My heart is broken, with all of the plans I had made for my/our future, for my pregnancy, for our welcoming of our baby in may, for our future as a family of four, all of these plans crushed and changed within a matter of seconds because of something I saw on a black and white screen. I told Kreg today that I hated the fact that I told a few people because now I have to tell them our sad news, but as the day has gone on I have felt so overwhelmed with emotions that the only way I can think about moving on is to write about it and move forward. I will always remember this Halloween day for many reasons, today is a day that Kreg and I have had to lean on one another for strength and comfort. Today is a day I am reminded that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and my way is not always his way. Today is a day that I am reminded of the blessings I have been given i.e. motherhood, I am so grateful that even though I lost one baby today that I still have my CC I couldn't be more grateful for her and the joy she brings to my life! I will learn from this experience and hopefully grow from it. I hope that my sorrow can comfort others in similar situations. I know how blessed I am and that this could be so much worse but for this instance I am given what I can handle and I am trying to be strong to overcome this trial.

Thank you to our families and friends for your comforting words (messages and texts). It is so nice to know that even though we are halfway across the country from everyone we care for that we are not alone.

I don't know what is in store for us next or if we will ever see that little spirit again but I do know that everything happens for a reason and that this is part of Heavenly Fathers plan for us. I know that families are forever and that means more to me today than ever before. I am so blessed to have the gospel in my life what comfort it brings to me especially in hard times.

I want Kreg to know how much I love him and I am so grateful for his strength and his example to me!